have no fear

One of the most important things that I learned during this journey was to keep and open mind and heart. I found that the more I accepted what was happening the more it would occur. I would start my day with a prayer of gratitude, love and protection. I would ask my higher power for permission to receive signs from my son. I also wanted to be reassured that he was not alone and would be always have a loved one watching over him. I spoke often to my son in my thoughts and mind. I knew he was present by how my energy felt. Sure enough I would start to take a few photos and he was always there. I also noticed that he was NEVER alone. Seeing this photos was a small step in my healing. It was the start to pulling me out of the pit of despair and depression. There were always more then one spirit light, as you can see in these photos. They were all taken outdoors in my back yard. Like I stated earlier - this was just the beginning of what was eventually going to happen

his light

I spent many hours a day in solitude. My spiritual awareness began to increase and sharpen. At first I thought I was going crazy because of what I was experiencing. Maybe it was wishful thinking due to the hopeful desire to see signs from my son. Was it stress, or depression that was making me feel this way. Maybe I was physically sick and worn down. I would usually be sitting quietly in the kitchen reading or resting and I would feel a vibrational energy at the top of my head. I would start to feel like my sons spirit was in my presence. It would last a minute or two and then disappear. I happened to have my phone charging

on the counter, I am not sure why, I felt the urge to take a photo. I stood at the kitchen door that went out to the deck and saw a flash of bright light. I snapped a picture and captured this.

This one photo started it all.

changes

I was still deeply sad and desperately missed my son. There would always be a hole in my heart that could never be replaced. I woke up that afternoon and felt different, and the effects of the experience stayed with me for a few days. It is hard to describe - it was an energy and lightness that I carried with me. It helped me to realize that if I felt such euphoric bliss and love from a short time in a darkened healing place then what unimaginable experience was my son feeling actually being in God's light. Changes started to happen immediately to me. The first things I noticed was I had little tolerance for television. It seemed like such garbage and a huge waste of time. Certain kinds of music and background noise became especially irritating. Things that interested me in the past became frivolous and not important. Some of my friendships from "before" dissolved. I found that certain personalities repelled me, others I felt an unusually deep connection to. I found myself in situations and circumstances where I was meeting exactly the people I needed in my life. I could feel an energetic presence around me at times that would bring back some of the euphoric bliss that I felt the night of my experience. The more I was aware and accepting of it, the more it would happen. I also realized that all of the background noise and disturbances that I eliminated from my life now allowed me to be in a state of serene peace. While in this quiet state of mind I was able to feel things. I was drawn to mediation and yoga for the first time in my life. This opened a door that allowed me to have a glimpse into my sons world.

my prayer was answered

I woke up ready to tackle my goal for day which was to get through it. I followed my usual routine, only caring for two children not three. I Got both of them off to school for the day. I sat and had a cup of coffee with my husband. Both of us were still in shock and numb. My husband had the day off from work and was home. For some reason I felt a strong desire to go back to bed. When I mentioned this to my husband he said "absolutely go ahead back to sleep". I asked him to wake me in a little while and he agreed. I think he was happy he could spend the day escaping reality by playing games on the Xbox 360 I crawled back into my bed, pulled the covers up around my shoulders, closed my eyes and then God answered my prayer. No sooner did my head hit the pillow when something started to happen to me. I felt no fear, remembering what I had prayed for. I knew this was my prayer being answered. The only way I can describe it is to say that there was a light in front of my eyes that came into me. It entered through the top of my head and pulsated down through my body. It was warm and incredibly loving. I knew instinctively that it was the light of God. When it filled my entire body I found that I was in a place of healing. My physical body felt like it had dissolved away giving me the feeling weightlessness. "I" my spirit, soul, consciousness was in a place of pure euphoric bliss. I was comforted and held in a place of intense love, unlike anything ever experience on earth. I was floating in a space of pure darkness, a swirling blanket of black velvet, while love continued to flow through my body. It was so incredible words cannot express the immense amount of love that I was feeling, I felt like I could burst. I remember clearly thinking that if this was death, that the feeling that I was experiencing - even if I did not see or come into contact with another human soul for eternity it would be fine. I could stay, drifting and floating in God's healing love for eternity. When my husband came into the room to wake me it was seven hours later. I thought I had taken a short nap, maybe and hour, two at the most. I could not believe that I was "gone" for seven hours. I could have stayed there forever. That experience changed EVERYTHING, nothing would ever be the same for me.

I surrendered

I cried myself to sleep most nights. I couldn't be in my own mind. For the first time in my life I could not deal with what was happening in my life. I could see how easy it would be to turn to alcohol or drugs to numb the pain. Not a choice for me for many reasons. It was that moment that I turned my grief and pain over to a higher power. My conversation with God included what I was feeling and experiencing - I explained the intensity of my pain and heartache, how I lost my will to live, to please do what was necessary to strengthen my soul. I asked if he could take some of the pain away and carry it for me. That it was too much for me to carry. I gave myself and my heart over to my higher power and surrendered. Then I fell a sleep. My prayer was answered the following morning.

living but not alive

In the early stages of grief I was in a despair that was like a bottomless pit. I felt like a fish that was out the water. My physical body was floundering, gulping for life. I was helpless, there was no relief from the intense pain my heart was in. Never in my life had I experienced anything remotely close to this kind of deep heart ache. I could not eat, I could not sleep, I could barely function. I simply wanted to die. Of course I had no choice but to go on for my other children and husband - those I loved, who loved me. I was "living" one day at a time. Like a robot, getting up each day automatically doing what needed to be done for my family. I am living, but not alive. Night time was extremely difficult, while everything was still my mind would race with disturbing images and thoughts. I would lay in my bed consumed by my son's death, playing over and over in my head like a reel to reel movie. Some of the thoughts that I was obsessed with. What was dying like for him? Was he aware that no one came to his aid? What was going through his mind at the time? Was he afraid? Was he in pain? Was he all alone? If not who was there for him when he crossed over? Can he see us? Does he know how much we love and miss him? What is it like where he now exists? GOD HELP ME

not in a million years

In the blink of an eye, life as I knew it was changed forever. Not in a million years did I ever think that I would lose my 14 year old son to a sudden cardiac death. Strong, young,athletic, healthy...this isn't suppose to happen. I am - at this very time in my life in the throws of intense grief and severe shock. As any mother who has suffered the death a child can tell you, the pain indescribable. Typing these words brings a tightening feeling to my chest, a lump in my throat and the urge to vomit. It has been 9 months since I had to say goodbye to my child. Nine long months of adjusting to my new life. The five of us are now four - with a huge void that replaced the baby of our family. "He was too good to be true" my husband and I would say over and over throughout his too short 14 years on this planet earth. I could brag continuously about how great of a son his was in so many ways. Wise and mature beyond his years, there was something about him that made people say that he was an old soul.