living but not alive

In the early stages of grief I was in a despair that was like a bottomless pit. I felt like a fish that was out the water. My physical body was floundering, gulping for life. I was helpless, there was no relief from the intense pain my heart was in. Never in my life had I experienced anything remotely close to this kind of deep heart ache. I could not eat, I could not sleep, I could barely function. I simply wanted to die. Of course I had no choice but to go on for my other children and husband - those I loved, who loved me. I was "living" one day at a time. Like a robot, getting up each day automatically doing what needed to be done for my family. I am living, but not alive. Night time was extremely difficult, while everything was still my mind would race with disturbing images and thoughts. I would lay in my bed consumed by my son's death, playing over and over in my head like a reel to reel movie. Some of the thoughts that I was obsessed with. What was dying like for him? Was he aware that no one came to his aid? What was going through his mind at the time? Was he afraid? Was he in pain? Was he all alone? If not who was there for him when he crossed over? Can he see us? Does he know how much we love and miss him? What is it like where he now exists? GOD HELP ME